Life is certainly different now. Now I hate Facebook. Surprised? A little. Those little time hop memories that pop up. Some days they’re great. Most days they’re not. They’re a constant reminder that Carter isn’t here.
I didn’t get to hear his first word. I didn’t get to see his first tooth (I only felt them). I didn’t witness him crawling, sitting up, or walking. The last memory I have of him is traumatic. He died in my arms.
Life sucks it’s hard to move on when you want to press the rewind button and go back. Go back to seeing those precious dimples, that cooing, those goofy looks. Just. One. More. Time.
A year ago we were preparing to bring Carter home from the hospital. Thanksgiving. Our lives changed for the better that day. We got a glimpse of our new norm.
It was stripped away a month and half later. Rob has told me time and time again that I can’t dwell on that. I get it but some days I let those feelings consume me if not, I’m afraid they’ll manifest in a dangerous new way.
Mental health folks.
Since Carter’s passing I’ve taken a renewed look at my own health both mind and body. I changed my diet. I dropped 42 pounds. I’ve worked openly with my new primary care physician on my mental health and through that it was discovered I have a the MTHFR genetic mutation. My body can’t absorb or process folic acid. It messes with the chemical balance of the brain. It causes birth defects. It causes mental health issues, it effects the way you handle stress.
Birth defects. Let’s address that one. It causes Anencephaly. Guess who’s delivered two daughters with confirmed Anencephaly? Yep. Me. Guess who’s had a miscarriage? Yep. Me.
Wow. A summer of realizations and healing.
I’m on l-methylfolate. Daily. For the rest of my life. I should avoid foods that contain folic acids and just plain say no to those that have high folic acid. Why? My body will store it. My body can’t break it down. My body will fight the absorption of l-methylfolate because it’s already stored up on folic acid which it won’t use.
The l-methylfolate has enabled me to remove pharmaceuticals from my life. I’m so thankful for my doctor and this new found change.
This winter brings more change. Rob and I still feel called to grow our family and our home study expires in January. We are currently in the process of renewing it. Does this mean that we’re waiting? Yes. But have we always been waiting? Yes.
We’re just waiting for God and trusting in His plan 100%.